The specialist informed me that I had two options in treating my “outbreak” of HPV. One, I could go in for 6 weeks and get shots “down there”. Two, I could have laser surgery to burn out all the infected tissue. I opted for option number two. I was already in a lot of pain and I could not fathom going in and being tortured for 6 more weeks. The joke was on me, because although the surgery took care of the visible HPV , I was still in chronic pain “down there”. For months after the surgery I still had pain. The specialist told me it was “psychosomatic”, all in my head because there was no physical or medical reason she could see for me to have pain. Her answer was to put me on a mild anti-depressant, which actually helped with the physical pain.

I continued to take my college classes and work part time in a Christian retail store. I was just going through the motions, doing the work I had to do and hiding away when I didn’t have work or be in a class. I have no idea how I passed any of my exams, wrote any papers or I was even able to drive from one place to the next. I have no idea how I functioned at work or put on plastic smile for customers at work.

My Friends worried about me. I had two friends from childhood that would come to see me but I wasn’t very responsive to them. They didn’t know what was wrong, but they knew something was seriously wrong. One brought her brand new puppy to see me, I remember he fit in my hand and he sucked on my finger like it was a pacifier. My other friends didn’t know what was going on with me, I didn’t talk about it with them.

At my work, in a Christian retail store, 8 people out of 10 had had some sort of sexual abuse or rape or molestation happen to them. They all shared their stories with me about what had happened and how long it took them to heal. Two of the women I worked with had stories that spoke to me, although at the time, I did not admit that what they said meant anything to me. I did not want to hear what God had done for them.

The first lady is the one who trained me to work in the music department of the store. Her story was far worse than mine, the man who raped her, multiple times also beat her and burned her with cigarettes. He was a vile and vicious man. I don’t remember how she got free of him, what I do remember it that God had healed her heart, mind and spirit from those wounds. She was able to get married and be happy and have an enjoyable sex life years later. I did NOT want to hear that. God had let me get ruined and I had NO interest in Men, dating, marriage and certainly NOT sex!

The second lady, her life and her story spoke to something deep in side me. Her story too was far worse than mine. What she experienced caused her too to shut down, shut out God and go on auto pilot. She shared with me her journey to healing, which sparked a little bit of hope that maybe I too, one day would be healed. The part of her story that I secretly, deeply wanted and needed to hear, and gave me hope, was her story of how her husband pursued her. She too had sworn off dating, marriage and men. She too had, had no interest in sex ever again. One day this Christian, Godly man, came into her life. He set out to “woo” her. He was gentle and took his time to gain her trust. He took the time to understand who she was, and what she had endured. He learned what had happened and how it effected her. He took his time to win her trust and eventually he won her heart. It took a couple years, but he put in the time because he thought she was worth it. They had a great life together, had two children and traveled the world together.

What her story touched in me, was the deep, deep, deep truth that I desperately wanted a man to find value in me, to have that kind of patience with me and to love me back to life like that man did for my co-worker and friend. I had not seen what a marriage was supposed to be like, I had only seen what God never intended it to be. Deep down, in a place that is and has always been the hope that one day, a good, Godly Man would see me and love me. That he would see this girl, this “diamond in the rough,” and see her innate value, help clean her up and make her shine. To love me and cherish me and be gentle with me. I wanted to be healed and whole and not broken anymore. I wanted to be loved and cherished, protected and fought for.

One night just before closing the store, I was at the register ringing up the last customer of the night. She was a strange woman, she was like one of those “holy rollers”, (Charismatic Christians, that would handle snakes and trust they wouldn’t be bit) or so she had seemed to me. We chatted about whatever she was getting and the shift lead was standing next to me. Just before the woman left she gave me a “prophetic word.” (For those that have NO idea what that is, it is when a person of faith, Christian, Biblical faith, speaks into your life about something they have absolutely NO way of knowing. Like God has given them a download of words to speak just to you. Words you would understand what they meant and no on else would. Because only God knows everything we are dealing with.) I do not remember her exact words, but what she said spoke to my deep hurt. She spoke to my issue against God and told me that God would heal me. That God loved me and He was going to make it right. The words she used must have been strange to my co worker, because she thought the woman was “looney tunes”. But, I knew God had just spoken to me. He broke the silence between us and I was stunned.