I have read that book a dozen or more times and I have purchase it and given it as gifts to many over the years. I have held on to those truths even when the devil continued to pepper me with lies. The devil and his demons do not want anyone to know the truth, they do not want us set free from their web of lies. Once Jesus sets you free, you are free for the rest of your life.

I would love to tell you that this was the last piece of my puzzle, the last leg of my healing journey. But it wasn’t. The devil is very good at his job. His job is that of an illusionist, he sets up a stage to make things to appear a certain way. He plays tricks with your mind and toys with your emotions. His favorite trick to play is that of reminding you of every bad thing you have done AND every bad thing that has ever been done to you.

He strikes a blow, that stirs up old feelings and brings to surface old lies that you once believed, or once heard on repeat. Things you have laid to rest and things you have healed from. Things you have forgiven and let go of. The devil loves to stir us up and get us upset all over again about the unfair things, the cruel things and heart rending things we have been through. He wants us to relive it all again and again. He does not want you free and he does not want you to experience the healing and wholeness God can bring about in your life.

I was 33yrs old when the devil came at me for the millionth time. A series of events had transpired in that year. I nearly lost my brother, when he fell out of a hunting tree stand and landed head first on a huge bolder. The EMT’s said if they had even been 5 minutes later finding him, he would have died. During this time I had been working on a life goal of becoming a Nationally Certified Interpreter for the Deaf. My sister in law had a miscarriage. I was finally interested in the possibility of marriage and one day having sex willingly. I had no prospects in sight.

I passed the first part of my exam but I failed the last. I wasn’t good enough. It didn’t occur to me at the time, that it was because there is this gap between being a student and being that level of Interpreter. The states had rescinded their state level certifications and it was impossible to bridge that gap without those state level certifications. I had failed, I was a failure and there fore once again, I was nothing and nobody. Yes, that OLD lie resurfaced. As did all the memories and all the hurt and all the things I had already wrestled out and dealt with and overcome.

The only thing was, I hadn’t. I still had remnants of anger towards God for allowing it to happen in the first place. The devil stirred up all my old wounds and made me believe not only was I not healed, I was still ruined. God could have stopped it and He did not. Then the devil through a new thing at me and convinced me God was holding out on me. I had only experienced being used sexually, I had never actually had sex because I wanted it.

The devil succeeded in his assault on me. Convincing me his lies were the truth. I got angry at God. So, I set out to do something to hurt God, to hurt Jesus back. I went online and sought to find a one night stand. My attitude was, God had watched me get abused, had sat back and watched as a young man had his way with me. Now, God was going to watch me break my promise to him. The promise I had made when I was 14 yrs old to wait to have sex until I was married.

I mentioned in the previous part of my story, how coming to faith at such a young age led to me having a strong sense of what you could and could not do. One thing God’s word and the church emphasized was abstinence. To the fault of the church, they made it seem like sex outside of marriage was in the top 5 worst things a person could do. If you crossed that line, you were going to be kicked to the curb by God. That God would have nothing to do with you. You would have crossed a point of no return.

My mind set on having sex for the sake of sex and no attachments. I found myself a man I enjoyed talking to. I spent weeks talking to and flirting with him and we set up a plan to meet up at a hotel between where he lived and where I lived. God tried to stop me, true to His word, God made more than one opportunity for me to change my course. First, my truck broke down. Second, He spoke to me through my mom, that there was something God was protecting me from by having my truck break down. She encouraged me not to do it. And Third, on my way down I got a call that my nephew had fallen and cut his chin and was being taken to the hospital. The call came in as I was driving to meet up with the man I had made the plans with. I sat and debated for several minutes. I almost canceled the hotel and head back. But my heart and conscience had been seared. I could not feel guilty about it, my heart was hardened and I was set on moving forward with my plan.

The man was handsome, He was six foot tall, and towered over my 5 foot 3 inch frame. I had been told all my life, guys didn’t like fat girls like me. That I would never have a man really interested in me. Guess, what, THAT too was a lie There are men that are attracted to big and beautiful women like me. This guy was into me. A brief moment before getting physical, I prayed for one more out, but God had given me my outs. I followed through with my plan. I broke my promise and gave myself to a man that was never meant to have that part of me.

Afterwards, I was laying on the bed and watching a movie on TV and I heard God ask, “how are you?” I knew God’s voice. I was temporarily speechless that God would talk to me. God asked me again, “how are you?” To which I responded, “What are you doing talking to me? You aren’t supposed to talk to me anymore. I crossed the line. The line you said not to cross. What are you doing talking to me?” God was there. God had not left me like I had been told he would. God told me he loved me.

You would think that would be the end of my insolence. I marveled at God still talking to me, but I was trying to tune Him out. I had messed up. I had sinned against him and against my own body. That is why God does not want us to enjoy his gift of sex outside of the confines of marriage. It is a sin against our own bodies. We become one with people we were never meant to. Which can lead to a variety of issues down the line and a whole lot of heart ache.

I continued talking to and texting this man for a couple months. We got together another time. God would try talking to me through preachers on TV and bring me back to him. I was having none of it. He did get my attention in the middle of the night one night. I had gotten up to go to the restroom and God spoke to me in a loud, sharp, warning tone, and he said, “You are never to see him again.” This snapped me back to reality and I never did see or talk to that man again. I still had that reverential fear of God, that fear of doing wrong and being in trouble. I avoided doing things that got me in trouble.

Weeks later, I went in for a female exam and had them do an STD test. I wanted to make sure this man had not given me anything. When I got the letter with the results was when what had hardened in my heart came shattering down inside me. Tears streamed down my eyes as I read the report that I was clean. Not only was I clean from my sin, clean from having had sex with that man…but there were also no traces of that HPV I had been given in childhood. God had healed me and I didn’t know it. This restored my faith in the one who loved me more than anyone else did. The one that had good plans for my life.

The one who had promised to heal me, had. Not only did he heal me physically, but he used those preachers on TV to heal my heart. To gently bring me back to Himself and restore me. God had not left me, he had not stepped away from me. I had stepped away. All I had to do was turn around and fall into His arms. That is exactly what I did.